the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
