Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Randomize
