Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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