I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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