Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
