1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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