Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
