I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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