i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I party with great urgency now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
