Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
