Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
