just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Pappa wants mamma naked
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
