When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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