I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
