if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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