there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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