i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
