So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
