She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
