He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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