I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
