You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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