we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
