so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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