I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
