Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh god it's open bar.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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