How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
