i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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