On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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