Me. At least after what I've been through.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
