At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm passing your future prison.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
