ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize
