nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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