I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
