There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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