i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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