I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize