I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You left your phone here
Wait...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
