I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
