I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
