this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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