I think I died a long time ago.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
there is glitter all over my balls
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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