My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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