your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
