OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
