hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
