Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
