Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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