You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
