What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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