She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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