it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize