Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
