My first STD was from a foam party
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
