I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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