someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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