I think I won the penis lottery.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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