with your own penis?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
