Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize