dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
