just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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